A cucumber with a five-year plan

Full transcript

Host: Welcome to Pickle Radio. This is a fictional comedy, with two synthetic voices and one extremely ambitious vegetable. Our guest is Cornelius, a cucumber with a five-year plan. Cornelius, welcome.

Cornelius: Thank you. Can we make this quick? I have a meeting with a jar at three.

Host: A meeting?

Cornelius: An informal viewing. Good location, clear walls, excellent natural light. The neighbours are dill. I like dill. Very quiet. Mostly waving.

Host: Let's start with life in the garden. What does a normal day look like?

Cornelius: Hang about. Grow a little. Try not to look at the courgette. He's bought a second leaf and now he thinks he owns the place.

Host: I hear there's some tension.

Cornelius: He keeps saying size matters. I keep saying, let's see you fit through a jar opening.

Host: So the jar is the dream?

Cornelius: A modest dream. Somewhere comfortable. A decent view of the fridge door. Perhaps a little label with my name on it.

Host: Most labels just say pickles.

Cornelius: Yes. I've raised that with management.

Host: You've brought a five-year plan. It appears to be written on a leaf.

Cornelius: Paperwork is difficult when you don't have hands. Year one: get noticed. Year two: secure the jar. Year three: launch a podcast.

Host: What would your podcast be about?

Cornelius: Mostly complaints about the lid. It's called Can You Open This? Twelve episodes. Same problem.

Host: And years four and five?

Cornelius: I've left those blank. The leaf was quite small.

Host: You sound very confident for someone who arrived in a shopping bag.

Cornelius: That was my dressing room. There was a tomato in there asking if this was a salad audition. Honestly, nobody reads the invitation.

Host: Quick-fire round. Favourite music?

Cornelius: Anything with a good crunch. No smooth jazz. Sets unrealistic expectations.

Host: Biggest fear?

Cornelius: A sandwich calling me garnish. I didn't come this far to be scenery.

Host: One thing you'd like our listeners to know?

Cornelius: Behind every cucumber is a story. Mine has a parking dispute with a courgette and a very promising jar viewing.

Host: Cornelius, thank you. Good luck at three.

Cornelius: Thank you. If the jar asks for references, tell them I'm outstanding in my field.

Host: You've been listening to Pickle Radio. Cornelius is entirely made up. The ambition, unfortunately, is very real. Thanks for listening.

About this episode

Episode 01 is an original fictional comedy by PickleRadio. Both the host and Cornelius are invented characters performed with synthetic voices. No real guest was interviewed.

Original background music: “Cornelius takes the microphone”, composed and synthesized for PickleRadio. Soft keys, plucked strings, bass and light percussion accompany the two synthetic voices.

For something you can actually grow, visit our cucumber growing guides. Or browse PickleRadio for more listening.